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To the first farmer, the rabbi endearingly said, "Times are tough, my dear friend. How are you doing?" "Awful," replied the farmer. "The economy is bad. I barely have food for my family. And it looks like the rains will never arrive. Life is lousy."
Now God happened to be eavesdropping on this conversation and thought to himself, "Lousy, eh? Ill show you what lousy is!"
The rabbi then asked the second farmer, "So, my friend, how are you doing in these difficult times?" "Great, Rabbi! Things couldnt be better. Every day brings new joy and blessings with my friends and family. Im so grateful for the gift that each day brings, for I know, rain or shine, all will unfold as God, in his infinite greatness knows best."
The mans deep gratitude soared into the celestial spheres to resonate with the harmony of the heavenly hosts. God, hearing the farmers gracious response, smiled with delight, "Good? You think your life is good now? Ill show you what good is!"
As we approach this Thanksgiving holiday, let us all take a moment to be mindful of the many blessings we enjoy in life: family, friends, a roof over our heads, a car that runs, a warm shower in the morning and food on our tables. These simple blessings represent a level of abundance that enriches us far beyond the level of countless other less fortunate people, who live in poverty and pain, cold and hunger, with few to no material comforts.
We all -- so easily -- gravitate towards what is lacking in our lives, towards the difficulties we face and the disappointments we must endure. Our appetite for "more" is insatiable. We want the newest car, the biggest house, the finest food, the fastest computer and the biggest paycheck possible. In the pursuit of more, however, we end up with less. We lose our connection to what is truly important in our lives. We lose precious time with family and friends. We lose a sense of calm and serenity. We lose the simple joy of living. We lose an appreciation of our many blessings. In these matters, the spiritual scales concur that more is sometimes less.
Our body also pays a heavy price for our indulgence in "more." In the endless pursuit of material comfort and gain, we forget to exercise, eat fast food and ignore our bodys need for sleep, play and relaxation. Our body becomes locked in a permanent state of "fight or flight," spilling toxic stress hormones into our bloodstream and tissues. In this toxic spill, we suffer from autoimmune disorders, chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, headaches and allergies.
Gratitude balances our insatiable hunger for "more," allowing us a critical time-out to appreciate what we have. The heart must beat, then pause to fill up, then beat again in order to fulfill its destiny. Gratitude is the pause between beats, the vital time for "filling up," and appreciating all the goodness that flows into our lives, that allows our soul to fulfill its destiny. In gratitude, we nurture our soul and purify our body.
As we express our gratitude this Thanksgiving, remember that gratitude is one of those few, special things in life that increases as we give it away. Most things in life are diminished as we give them away. For instance, if we take a delicious pumpkin pie and give a quarter of it away, we are left with only three-quarters, less than our original whole. Gratitude, however, is different.
Gratitude is an energy of the spiritual world, more like the flame of a candle. As we "give away" our gratitude -- our flame -- by lighting other candles, the amount of light -- or gratitude -- we experience increases. In fact, with our single flame, we can light an unlimited number of other candles, helping to illuminate the world with our gratitude. The more we are grateful for -- that is, the more we "give away" our flame -- the greater the light we have with which to see the many truly wondrous gifts we have to be grateful for.
We can express our gratitude and light anothers candle -- in two main ways:
1. Through words
2. Through deeds
Gentle and encouraging words of thanks, praise or appreciation touch the heart of another, igniting their flame and enlightening their life. Charitable deeds and acts of loving kindness, through the fire of their intent, also light anothers candle.
The esteemed Chassidic teacher Rabbi Menachem Schneerson in his book In The Garden of the Torah (p. 133), teaches this Talmudic passage:
"A person who gives a coin to a poor person is granted six blessings; one who gratifies him is blessed elevenfold." (Talmud: Bava Basra 9b)
What we mean by "gratifies" is giving a person a positive feeling about him or herself -- showing that we truly care about them as a fellow human being. Though giving charity to the poor is an admirable form of gratitude, expressing a deep sense of appreciation and love for another person is a form of gratitude that returns even greater blessings.
We must remember to render gratitude both through deeds: giving to the poor and needy, helping the elderly cross the street, visiting the sick in the hospital; and through words: telling others we love them, expressing our appreciation to friends and speaking kindly towards others. We can also express our gratitude to God through both deeds: following his commandments, studying his word, practicing kindness and charity towards others; and through words: praising God through prayer, song and meditation for all the goodness he bestows upon us.
Let us nurture our body and nurture our soul this Thanksgiving by expressing our appreciation to all those we love and care for, as well as to all those who are less fortunate than ourselves. Do so in both words and in deed. In this way, we will realize the true spirit of this season, by helping to make the world a kinder, more loving and more beautiful world in which to live.
PERSONAL NOTE: After I wrote this newsletter yesterday, it started me thinking what I could personally do to make this Thanksgiving special. I decided that -- as a small token of my gratitude -- I would personally give $5 to every patient I saw in my office today (the day before Thanksgiving) and ask them to donate the money to someone who needed it more than we did, as a token of our appreciation for all the goodness we enjoy in our lives. The second patient I shared this with took the money with a smile on her face, said "What a great idea! I will match it with $5 of my own and give it to someone in need." I thanked her and thought to myself: "What a wonderful demonstration of how gratitude increases as we give it away!" God bless you all. Happy Thanksgiving.
Volume
2: Issue 2 Copyright 4/1/00A Reminder to Love
When we wake up to go to work in the morning, we all expect -- without a second thought -- to return home to our families and loved ones when the workday is complete. When we excitedly leave on vacation for a well-deserved rest from life's everyday struggles, we all expect -- without a second thought -- to return home, back to the stacks of mail and unfinished business we so willingly left behind. Everyone aboard Alaska Airlines Flight 261 expected -- without a second thought -- to return home on January 31, 2000, when they boarded their flight in Puerto Vallarta.
The tragic and unexpected loss of life leaves us feeling empty and defenseless against life's inexplicable injustices. Reading through the list of passengers and crew, I felt a deep grief, a hollow emptiness resonate within me. The faces behind the names were all too familiar -- husbands and wives, parents and children, friends and companions. These could have been our names, our faces. These were people just like you and I -- loving and kind people, enjoying special moments together.
How do we make sense of such a tragedy? How do we reconcile the unjust fate of these innocent people? At best, we try to explain it through some strange process of intellectualization, rationalization or practical realism. But the truth is, we cannot make sense of it, and it leaves us feeling a little less secure, a little less safe, a little less protected.
I first heard the news of the crash as I was listening to the radio on my drive home from work. Instantly, my heart sank and my thoughts raced to my dear friend Del, who is a pilot for Alaska Airlines. Troubled that perhaps it was Del who was piloting the downed airline, I rushed home, ran inside and quickly dialed the phone number I know so well. After five interminably long rings, Del finally answered, and with the sound of his voice, I felt a curiously self-indulgent relief, knowing that my friend was okay.
Del told me that the two pilots, Captain Ted Thompson and First Officer William Tansky, were his long-time friends and pilots of impeccable ability. I shared my deepest sympathy for his loss. Then, I took a moment to express to Del how much I treasured his friendship and -- though I felt a bit selfish -- how grateful I was that he was safe. Over the next week, I had a chance to talk with Del more about his feelings. Though he still suffers a penetrating sense of pain and loss, he seems also to exhibit a calming sense of strength and hope. From his deep loss, Del quietly consoles the rest of us, saying, "Life is so fragile. It can all be taken away in a moment's notice, without warning. It just teaches us that we must enjoy each and every moment we have."
We never really do know when it will all be taken away. We postpone our joy so readily, waiting for the next promotion, the next house, the next car -- hoping that these things will fill us with some sense of accomplishment, some measure of happiness. In this spirit, Del is determined to stop waiting for "someday," and start living fully now -- remembering what is truly important: the love, laughter, connection and simple kindness we share with family and friends.
As I was trying to understand this tragedy, I came across an ancient story about a devout Rabbi who was condemned to death by the Romans for teaching the Torah to his students. The Torah, which is the first five books of the Old Testament, is considered to represent the word of God embodied in physical form. As such, every letter and every word inscribed in the Torah scrolls represent God's eternal holiness. In meeting out his death sentence, the Romans wrapped the Rabbi in a Torah scroll and set it on fire. At the height of the Rabbi's agony, his students yelled out to him "Rabbi, what do you see?" The Rabbi answered, "The parchments are consumed, and the letters fly up to heaven."
So holy are the words of God that -- though flames can destroy the parchment and ink they are written with -- the letters themselves return home to heaven. So too with the holiness embodied in the lives of the 88 people tragically lost in the crash of Alaska Airlines Flight 261. Their sacred essence returns home, but the love, the joy and the kindness they imparted to friends and family lives on.
Healing - on every level - demands that we come to terms with loss and uncertainty. We have no sure immunity from life's tragic circumstances - illness, accident and loss. We do, however, have freedom to choose how we respond to these uncertainties. We can allow fear to defeat us, turning our dreams into darkness by extinguishing the light of hope. Or we can rekindle that light and overwhelm our fear by living life fully - appreciating each precious moment as the gift that it is. True healing inspires us to remember that love is greater than loss, prayer is greater than pain, hope is greater than uncertainty.
Let us honor the memory of those who lost their lives by saying a prayer for them and their loved ones, and by letting the fragileness of life remind us to love and cherish each precious moment we have together with those we love and care for. Embrace your child today and tell them how much you love them. Hug your spouse (or significant other) today and tell them how much they mean to you. Call a friend today and let them know how much you treasure their friendship. Pass this reminder on today to someone you care about.
Volume 1: Issue 6 Copyright 8/1/99
Few of us can imagine the courage, fortitude and inner resolve necessary to engage inand endurethe daunting battle against cancer. The mere diagnosis of cancer exacts a tremendous toll on our sense of self, attacking the very foundation of our being. When that cancer is advanced and metastatichaving spread to the abdomen, lungs and brainthe diagnosis is even more devastating, obscuring even the faintest ray of hope. Unless, of course, your name is Lance Armstrong.
Lance Armstrong was diagnosed at age 25 with testicular cancer. At the time of diagnosis, his doctors discovered the cancer had spread to his abdomen, lungs (where there were approximately twelve golf-ball size tumor masses) and his brain. The doctors gave Lance less than a 40% chance of survival. When interviewed later, his doctors admit that 40% was very optimisticto some degree, they wanted to keep Lances hope alive.
It worked. Not only did they keep his hope alive, they set it afire. Armstrong himself says "If theres one thing I say to those who use me as their example, its that if you ever get a second chance in life, youve got to go all the way." With his competitive athletic spirit, Lance Armstrong rose to the occasion. People magazine authors Alex Tresniowski, Cathy Nolan and Anne Lang reported that "Armstrong responded by treating the illness as if it were lifes ultimate race." This is a serving metaphor. In preparation for this ultimate race, Armstrong stretched his mind by researching his illness and seeking out the best information available. He flexed his emotional muscle and summoned all his inner resources for healing. He sought out the U.S.s top testicular cancer specialists, Lawrence Einhorn and Craig Nichols, and forged a working partnership with them, choosing the best treatment options available.
With intense determination, Armstrong began the race against cancer, one fraught with uphill climbs and dangerous hairpin curves. After two surgeries (one to remove his cancerous left testicle and one to remove the metastatic lesions in his brain), three rounds of chemotherapy, total loss of his hair and 15 pounds of weight lossArmstrong arrived at the finish line with the greatest of victoriesthe pronouncement that he was free of cancer. His story is a source of inspiration to all.
But there is more. Armstrong was determined to cross one more finish line the Tour de France, cyclings most intense racetrekking over 2, 200 miles of mountainous French countryside. Only three years after his initial diagnosis of cancer, Armstrong crossed his second finish line victoriouswinning the fastest race in the Tours history with the largest margin of victory ever.
As triumphant as Armstrongs effort was, he was also blessed with a bit of luck, and he is ever mindful of that fact. When asked about his success over cancer Armstrong said, "I know you have to do research, go on the Internet, look for the second opinion, then the third, find out all your options. I also know you have to be lucky. Thats probably as important as anything. I was very lucky."
When dealing with life-threatening illness, we are all too aware of the many, many courageous people whoin spite of their fighting spirit and deep determinationsuccumb to their illness and die from their disease. We are all too aware that not every illness can be cured. Sometimes the victory lies in the courage we bring to the race. Sometimes the victory lies in the elevation of the human spirit that comes from our innermost effort to heal. Sometimes the victory lies in the quality of love and dignity with which we face illness, disease, loss and death. Sometimes, with Gods grace and sheer determination, the victory lies in crossing the finish line first. For this we stand and applaud the Lance Armstrongs of the world.
Norman Cousins, the great humanitarian, once said, "Time provides only a technical measurement of how long we live. Far more important than the ticking of time is the way we open up the minutes and invest them with meaning." Let us all applaud the fighting spirit of all those who never cross the finish line, but, nonetheless, demonstrate the kind of courage, determination and dignity which ignite the human spirit, illuminate the world and allow us all to be winners in the most important race of our livesto fully embrace life and to help make the world a more loving and beautiful place in which to live.
QUOTES OF THE WEEK: Lance Armstrong "My story shows that you not only can return to life, but you can return to a better way of life." My recovery "sends a message that cancer is not a death sentence. Theres no question Im stronger physically now than I was before." "If I never had cancer, I never would have won the Tour de France. Im convinced of that." "Im aware of the cancer community wherever I go. I could feel it at the Tour. People would come up to me before the races or after races. I could feel it during the races. Its a community of shared experience. If youve ever belonged, you never leave."
James Pennebaker, Professor of Psychology at Southern Methodist University and author of Opening Up: The Healing Power of Confiding in Others is a pioneer in the area of medical research regarding the healing power of journaling. His findings reveal that writing about traumatic experiences for as little as fifteen minutes a day for four days can reduce physician visits for illness, improve serum immune function and enhance work performance. (Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology; 1988; 56; 239-245).
When asked why journaling improves our health, Pennebaker replies that disclosure "helps us find meaning in complicated life circumstances . . . writing helps to reconstruct painful thoughts and images into a story or narrative. Once we can give an upsetting event some degree of structure with a clear beginning, middle and an end we are better able to move past it."
One of the basic premises of mind/body medicine is that all our thoughts and feelings are chemical. Every thought we have, every feeling we experience, every attitude we hold translates itself into a complex pattern of chemical release and nerve cell firing. These complex patterns result in the release of neuropeptides, which are the chemical messengers of thought, feeling, attitude and belief. When we journal about traumatic life events and reconstruct the painful thoughts and images associated with those events, we are, in fact, changing the very essence of our biochemistry. We are, in fact, changing the very structure and pattern of brain cell activity.
When we restructure or reframe a traumatic life event and give it a beginning, middle and end, we create new understandings and new beliefs that free us from feeling at the mercy of that event. The resulting positive emotions create powerful chemical messages that activate our internal healing system and liberate us from the sense of helplessness and hopelessness that often precede illness. In the words of Norman Cousins, "Hope, faith, love, the will to live, playfulness, purpose and determination are powerful biochemical prescriptions."
Another study from North Dakota State University by Joshua Smyth, Ph.D., (JAMA April 14, 1999; Vol.281, No.14, 1304-1309) looked at 107 patients with asthma or rheumatoid arthritis in order to determine whether journaling about stressful life experiences affected their disease status. Patients were assigned to write either about the most stressful event of their lives (the treatment group) or about emotionally neutral topics (the control group). Results showed that four months after treatment, asthma patients in the treatment group showed a 20% improvement in lung function, whereas patients in the control group showed no improvement. Rheumatoid arthritis patients in the treatment group showed a 28% reduction in disease severity, whereas control group patients showed no change. Of interest is that both groups were asked to write for only twenty minutes on three consecutive days.
We can only imagine the benefits of consistent journaling involving a deeper disclosure of our fear, hurt, resentment, shame and anger. By utilizing the journaling methods we are about to describe, we can begin to triumph over negative beliefs and find a greater source of strength, love and hope within. This strength, this love and this hope create powerful biochemical messengers for reducing stress and improving our physical health, emotional and spiritual well being.
The above is an excerpt from Dr. Neimarks new book: The Handbook of Journaling: Tools for the Healing of Mind, Body & Spirit. (Second Edition)
HUMOROUS STORY OF THE MONTH: Once upon a time, there was an intellectual who thought he could learn everything by reading. He read a book on astronomy and became an astronomer. He read a book on biology and became a biologist. He read a book on swimming and he drowned!
Editors Comment: Just as looking at a set of weights will not strengthen our biceps, reading about journaling will not build our emotional strength or increase our capacity to love. We must actually journalput the words to the pagein order to develop the strength and love necessary for healing. Putting words to our thoughts and feelings, and writing those words on the page, changes our biochemistry and heals us, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
There are some books we keep by the bedside for "instant inspiration" in a world filled with too much uncertainty and confusion. One such book is entitled Small Miracles: Extraordinary Coincidences from Everyday Life by Yitta Halberstam and Judith Leventhal (Ó 1997, Adams Media Corporation, Holbrook, MA ISBN: 1-55850-646-2). In the preface to this wonderful book, Bernie Siegel, M.D., the famous Yale author and surgeon tells an extraordinary story about one of his patients.
This patient of Dr. Siegels had an appointment with another doctor on what was a very busy day. The doctor was running late and the waiting room was filled with upset patients. As the wait grew longer and longer, many patients became impatient, leaving the office in order to keep other appointments and obligations. Dr. Siegels patient was tempted to leave as well, but "something" compelled him to stay and wait it out. As the minutes passed, more and more patients decided to leave. Repeatedly staring at his watch, Dr. Siegels patient began to doubt the wisdom of his decision to wait. Finally, after waiting a full two hours, the nurse arrived at the door to the waiting room and called his name, "Kirimedjian!"
The patient, delighted, jumped to his feet, only to notice another man simultaneously jump to his feet from the other side of the waiting room! Both men looked at each other, somewhat stunned. Realizing this was too much of a coincidence to share such an unusual name, they approached one another to inquire as to their respective identities. The patient was astonished to discover that the man on the other side of the room was his father, whom he hadnt seen in 22 years.
As the story goes, when the patient was a young child, his parents had divorced. At that time his father was an abusive, alcoholic parent and had been denied any visitation rights. The patient grew up, never knowing his father. Now after 22 years, an opportunity for reconciliation was possible, all due to the patients unexplainable impulse to wait it out!
So often in life, we want things to run on our schedule, in our time. Bernie Siegel often speaks of "universal time", the idea that the universe has a schedule for us. Sometimes, getting where we think we must get to is not the place we need to be. This is perhaps why God arranges flat tires, misplaced car keys, traffic jams and the like. We need to be open to allowing things to unfold in a way that we can see the good (reuniting with an estranged father) even in the bad (having to wait 2 hours to see the doctor).
My Peruvian wife, Marta, often tells me of a wonderful saying in Spanish: "El hombre propone y Dios dispone." This translates roughly: "Man plans, God decides." We need to make room for "universal time". Sometimes, we need to stop rushing and listen for the greater good in what appears to be a frustrating, inconvenient or disturbing event. We need to be open to the coincidences in our lives in order to understand the greater meaning possible. Sometimes getting a cold that wont go away and drains our energy (bad thing) can help us to slow down and take the needed rest we have been denying ourselves (a good thing).
Dont get me wrong. Sometimes a flat tire is just a flat tire. Sometimes a traffic jam is just an annoying traffic jam. But by becoming open to the possibility that it may be more, a new world of coincidence opens up to us, and small miracles can begin to happen.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Mother Theresa: "I know that God would not give me anything I could not handle. I just wish he didnt trust me so much!"Volume 1: Issue 1 Ó 2/15/99
Last Friday night, my wife and I had the pleasure of hearing a great Rabbinical scholar, Rabbi Joshua Haberman, speak on how to achieve greater intimacy with God. He recounted a thought-provoking story about a father and his young child on an evening trip to an amusement park. So that his son could see better, the father propped his young child upon his shoulders. Dazzled by the flashing lights, the loud music and the joyous shouts of the winning game players, the young child quickly became "lost" in all the excitement.
After a few moments of being completely absorbed, the child suddenly felt startled, thinking he was lost and alone in the midst of this large crowd of people. "Daddy, Daddy!" the young child screamed, "Wheres my Daddy?" The childs father lovingly looked up with comforting eyes, patting his child reassuringly on the back saying "Son, Son, its okay. Im right here! Youre resting upon my shoulders. Did you forget?"
What a magical story! What a beautiful reminder for each one of us when we may feel lost in our lives. In the rush of daily living, we become lost in our work, in our drive for success. We become lost in our responsibilities and in our "special" problems. We become lost in our fears and in our worries. We become lost in our sense of inadequacy. We become lost in our inability to control the outcome of events in our lives. We become lost in the realization that we cannot always protect the ones we love. We feel alone and afraid at times.
Like the startled young child, we cry out for comfort and reassurance that we are not alone. Completely absorbed in our own lives, we too easily forget we are more than our work. We are more than our problems. We are more than our fear. We are more than our aloneness. We forget that we are a part of something greater than ourselves. We forget that we all rest upon the shoulders of friends, angels, mentors and loved ones who carry us, hold us, support us and guide us in times of need.
Remembering we are not alone activates the miraculous healing system that lies within each one of us. There is a wonderful study published by House and colleagues in Science 1988 (House, JS; Robbins C; Metzner HL) which shows that the odds of dying at a certain age are significantly related to what researchers call "social integration" i.e., feeling a part of a family or a social network. Being connected to people, to other human beings, to something greater than ourselves reduces age-adjusted mortality. Remembering we are not alone allows us to feel connected to family, community and God. This connection is a powerful link to our own healing, physically, emotionally and spiritually. In fact, House and colleagues found that a lack of social integration is associated with about a twofold increase in age adjusted mortality. This is the same magnitude as the relationship between smoking and death from lung cancer.
Let us be mindful of the miraculous healing power of remembering we are not alone. Take a moment NOW to render gratitude to each and every friend, teacher, mentor, loved one and spiritual force who has carried you on their shoulders. Then, when they are feeling lost, lift them upon your shoulders and reassuringly remind them you are right here for them and they are not alone.
1) COMMITMENT: Those executives who stayed well were committed to work and committed to family, but predominately they were committed to their own values, their sense of purpose and their inner life. 2) CONTROL: Healthy executives always displayed an attitude of control in their lives, so that even if they could not control the external events in their lives they were able to control their reactions to and beliefs about these events. And finally, 3) CHALLENGE: The healthy executives were able to view lifes difficulties and setbacks as a challenge and an opportunity for growth rather than something catastrophic. By consciously paying attention to the 3 Cs, we can begin to build a stress hardy personality. When adversity strikes, we can take time to review where we stand on the 3 Cs. Take time now to think about something that really bothers you. Think about some situation that is really "stressing you out," and evaluate where you stand on the 3 Cs by asking yourself: